Inspiring our Next Generation
Can we make a difference?
‘Mother's Day is a celebration honouring the mother of the family or individual, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds and the influence of mothers in society.’
I’m lucky enough to be a daughter and a mother to two lovely girls but, I know that Mothers Day is not easy for everyone especially if you’ve lost your mum, struggle with your relationship with your mother, or dream of being a mum but know it may never happen.
I’m not sure if you’re ever allowed to say things like this aloud but… i didn’t always want to be a mother.
I was a young independent woman who had a fantastic career in television and I couldn’t think of anything worse than sacrificing myself and my body every single day, cooking and cleaning for my family and putting all my dreams on hold, while men continued to progress their career and build on their achievements (obviously this perspective depends on how you value success) but honestly, I thought the world may come to an end if I was to become a mother.
Needless to say, my biological clock was ticking and I got to the stage where it was now or never – literally like turning right or left. I took the turn towards children and without doubt becoming a mother has made me a better human being – I’m far more self-sacrificing and empathetic and I have been able to love more deeply than I ever thought imaginable. However, I do often dream about what it would be like without children. The career I could have had - oh and the holidays!… the freedom!… the ability to be carefree and spontaneous!. Don’t get me wrong I know I’m wearing rose tinted spectacles – the grass is always greener… yada-yada - I would likely have worked harder, longer hours and have no one to do anything with - as they were all meeting up with other families.
AND let’s face it being a young person can also suck – there’s so much self-doubt and pressure to fit in, to look a certain way and continuous pressure to achieve great things. As Karen Snook from St Albans Mums says, “young people are scared, hormonal and eager to fit, be beautiful and clever without even knowing why or how.” I’m certain it’s also far harder for young people today with social media pressures, the disruption of the pandemic and lockdowns and now the atrocities of the Ukraine. The world feels unsafe and my fears about our young people’s mental health continue to intensify with the increase in eating disorders, depression and anxiety.
That’s why I want to shine the light on ‘Mothers’ and what they would say to their younger selves to help the next generation and perhaps with their own reflection- support themselves and their children. I asked this question of some wonderful professional women in my community - who are ‘doing it’ for their children…
What would you tell your 14 year old self?
SELF-CARE V SELF-SACRIFICE
Would you acknowledge the need for self-care, self-love and self-awareness or is self-sacrifice and the greater good of others, community and society a priority? Perhaps both are important and you should balance between the two?
Listen and Reflect…
Either way, listening to yourself is vital to know where your priorities lie. As Saleema Davies, a clinical hypnotherapist reflects ‘our first pull is to fit in and be part of the tribe because it's what keeps us safe but take time now to find out your values and get to know, like and trust yourself. After that, every decision becomes much easier.’ Working to get to know yourself better may be some of the best work you ever do! Why not start journaling and take some time every day to reflect.
Have boundaries…
Accepting your emotions and not being afraid to set boundaries is central for self-care. As Nawal Houghton from Your Divorce Coach reminds us ‘Saying no is ok. Anger is ok. Fear is ok. Life will throw you challenges because the universe is trying to teach you something.’ If you have boundaries, you are more likely to cope with challenges and adapt accordingly. It is also important to embrace failures as they are often moments of growth. If you’ve not read it yet You are awesome by Matthew Syed is aimed to inspires a growth mindset in young people and has inspired me.
Listen to your gut…
“No matter what, always always listen to your gut, it’s your most reliable and truthful source. Be kind to yourself, put yourself first and take risks” Anna Mildwater - Leopard digital
It’s well known in the nutrition world that your gut communicates with your brain via the vagus nerve. Butterflies could actually save your life. Two great books I can recommend on this connection are The mind – gut connection by Emeran Mayer or Gut by Giulia Enders
Your gut instinct can help you make good choices, help you to have the confidence to listen and trust yourself. Jess Kassel from Shuti says- “so long as you’re kind, truthful, fair and considerate you will be ok. Trust your gut and don’t say yes if you don’t want to just to please people. You can do whatever you want, don’t listen to others who say you can’t. Have confidence in who you are, your bloody amazing!!!!”
BEAUTY COMES FROM WITHIN
It’s so easy to be critical about what we look like. Diet culture and now social media have amplified an unhealthy relationship with body image, so much so that in 2019, roughly 27 thousand cosmetic surgeries were carried out in the UK. The number of cosmetic surgeries increased by almost five-fold between 2003 and 2015.
With the rise of filters correcting blemishes and body shape, our young population are receiving messages of ‘perfection’ both physically and mentally that are completely unrealistic, creating a surge of unhealthy ideals and needs. The resounding message from Mothers to their younger selves is that…
“True beauty comes from the inside and shines out when you feel happy and comfortable in your own skin. It’s not about the clothes you wear or the makeup and filters you apply” Ellie Lloyd-Jones, founder of Elevate with Ellie.
Rosie Joyce of Parent in Your Pocket reminds us that you ”will get fatter, and then thinner and neither will have an impact on how happy you are’ and Kate Lindeman from KL Creative Photography says, ‘being skinny is overrated! Being happy is where it's at!’ and I’d 100% agree with Danielle from The Kindred… “Whatever you do DON’T pluck your eyebrows” – you will regret it. And Annie from cake to the occasion quotes the Baz Luhrmann lyrics from , Everybody’s free to wear sunscreen “Don't mess too much with your hair, Or by the time you're 40 it will look 85”
What makes you different makes you stronger …
We’re all so keen to fit in and be accepted in fact, school is designed so that everyone fits ‘the mould’ but that’s exactly why we need to stand out and be different – to find out own path and super power… Ellie continues with a quote by Meryl Streep - “What makes you different or weird, that’s your strength”
Abbey from Stories with Clothes agrees that you should be unapologetically unique – she says “Never be afraid to stand out, stand up and take up space, it might feel weird and hard right now but ultimately you are your own superpower 💥”
Tash from Bobbin and Bash says she would tell her younger self to “carry on laughing like no-one is watching’ and whilst you should ‘never stop caring about other people, just care less about what they think of you”
Sometimes we may need a little help to find the confidence to stand out Lisa wisdom from Style with wisdom says to “Wear what makes you happy and dress for yourself instead of wearing what you think people want to see you in! You look fabulous - if you love what you are wearing your confidence will come naturally!”
For those struggling with the ageing process I have to regularly repeat this quote to myself by Eleanor Roosevelt — 'Today is the oldest you've ever been, and the youngest you'll ever be again.' It may feel really negative/sad but it helps me accept my beauty in the here and now.
And let’s not forget about comparison-itis – we all want what we don’t have but, is the grass greener – Laila Datoo from a life more mindful says to remember ‘you are beautiful inside and out, so never compare yourself to anyone else. You have everything you need in you. Always trust your strength.’
CHANGING HABITS
If you’re of a certain age you’ll remember your trip to the corner shop after school on a Friday for your 10p worth of sweets, or maybe you OD’d on twiglets, mars bars and ribena – I remember having half a double decker before bed at my grandparent house –as far as I was concerned I was invincible and let’s face it, it was pure joy- so I doubt I would have listened to anyone telling me it was bad for my health – (my poor mother tore her hair out)
BUT our children are exposed to so much more these days – packets of sweets and chocolates that are larger and more available; energy drinks that are all the rage – sugar is cheap and it’s become a serious problem for our health let alone our children’s health. I’d like to think a little of everything is ok and a treat is a good thing but ask yourself is it actually a treat or has it become a weekly habit? Are you having a little or a lot? and are you actually getting the variety of ‘everything’ you actually need or is it just what you want?
We all know that life is short and we should live for the moment BUT if we don’t take care of ourselves now we are unlikely to live out our years in good health. This balance is often the inner voice we struggle with when it comes to changing habits.
Fad diets are not the answer…
I remember my Mum being constantly concerned about the amount of fat we were consuming – we had margarine and hardly cooked with fat. Nutritionist Deirdre Egan would tell her younger self “not to take any notice of all of the crazy diets my mum was on.”
We know that diets and shaming ourselves does not work - Lucy Jane, a women’s empowerment coach and freedom from addictive behaviours expert, reflected on the cycle of shame we feel when we indulge in a habit we perceive to be ‘bad’ saying that ‘The shame and guilt that you feel may feel like it is helping you not to do it anymore but, in fact, it is doing the opposite. Eradicating the shame and guilt around the behaviour is actually more important than getting rid of the behaviour itself.’
Add the good stuff…
I’m a firm believer that we need to ADD healthy habits and over time the old habits will wane. Modelling behaviour is a good starting point too – monkey sees monkey does.
Harriet - The Nutritional Bean wishes she had “realised how powerful protein and healthy fats were on energy and weight management” - adding these to each meal increases satiety, growth and repair (among other amazing things).
Catherine Pohl from Real Food Nutrition wishes she’d known that “bad periods are influenced by food, and the pill isn’t actually fixing anything”…and that she “could banish PMS and bad skin through eating more veg and less junk. And that alcohol also fed into that”.
Susie Strachan The Nutrition and Health Coach would simply tell her younger self that “food is health giving nourishment - not just essential fuel” and Claire Foss from FOSS Nutrition would have insisted on “drinking more water” as it’s simple but highly effective.
Virtual assistant Jody Middleton tells her children “they can eat the crap as long as they eat the good stuff too” and I’m a firm believer that if they eat healthily in the home you don’t have to worry quite so much when they are out and about. Fill them up on the good stuff and they will hopefully not need the other stuff.
I would have told my younger self to remember how different food makes me feel, and not be afraid to be different- choose the salad or sushi or water over fizzy drinks- if that’s what makes you feel better. I’d also tell myself healthy food is expensive so it’s ok to spend more where it matters – it’ll be worth it in the long run. Eating well is a life long project there are no quick fixes - you just need to be mindful the majority of the time and eat more of the foods closest to nature. Eat the foods that bring you joy, imagine eating a soft ripe peach and letting the juice run down your chin.
Oh and don’t forget to move every single day. Sasha, owner of Sasha’s Dance and Pilates, says to “enjoy how strong and fit dance makes you and the joy that you feel when you dance.”
My favourite quote of all time… “Dance as if no one’s watching”
We can all add value to the next generation, we can reflect and learn from our own experiences - changing lifelong habits and challenging societies ‘norms’ . Let’s all champion our similarities and differences and let’s keep supporting our young people.